I know it's because we're miles apart, we get busy, we each have our own issues... I should expect things like this. It makes me sad all the same. 

Over the next few days if it feels like you really care, if it feels like I'm not going to be wasting my time than i'll put in the effort. Everytime this happens I tell myself i'll put in the effort but I always end up slacking off, I won't this time. I won't slack off because it's written down this down this time, here... for everyone to see. 
Here are a few things that i'll do: (just don't go telling me you have a girlfriend or are married).
* I'll stay awake ( At first the lust kept me awake, I went months without a proper nights sleep and I didn't bother me, than it started to catch up. I think it was because you screwed me around. So instead of you being the one who would fall asleep it was me. This time i'll stay awake to all hours.)
* I'll support you with whatever you choose to do regarding your career, your health and everything else. 
* Photos, I'll send heaps more photos just so you can know what i've being up too. 
* I'll stay. If I decide that it seems like you care than i'll stay at the next gig. I won't leave, I'll hang around after and deal with the dirty looks. 
* If I say i'll call, I'll call. I won't let work or anything else for that matter get in the way. 
* Visits, weekend visits... whatever.  However long work will let me go. I'll do it more often. 

I"ll surely think of more but it's too early in the morning right now.

Everything is falling down around me. 
I have to let it all go. Everyone. Everything.

Once again I have no idea where I stand with you. I haven't turned my phone on since early Sunday morning, today I did, I don't know why. 
Two messages from you, one from sunday afternoon, the other from Tuesday night. Why is it you can not have contact with me for 3 weeks and think i'm not upset about it... I've being incredibly upset. Just when I think i'm getting over it and feeling better, there you are. 

Please realize you mean a lot to me. I can't just "be your friend", It's not possible. If thats what you want than don't bother with me, If you want a "friend" find someone else, half the bloody world would love to be your "friend". I can't. I know it's selfish but I want you all to myself. 
In three weeks your in Brisbane, I don't know if i'm going to see you, one side of me would kill to have you kiss me and hug you again, the other side of me doesn't want it, it wants to be free of you. Do I go with my heart or my head? My heart tells me to keep what little hope I have alive, my head tells me it's just making me insane and my emotional and mental health should be my number one priority.

Everywhere I look little signs tell me it's not something thats worth doing, guys in bands are major screw ups, they'll fuck you over, they have "groupies" (ha, do you have groupies? Am I a groupie?) ... blah blah blah. I hear it and I don't know what my thoughts are. I think I know who you are, well parts of you. I want to know you. I love spending time with you, even if it's always borrowed time. 

Please can we stop with the games, they feel like games. Take a chance. I'll be everything you could ever fucking want and more. 

(without the alcohol)

 



I am love with both of these movies!

"L.A. lady I know your feet must be so tired
from standing on a corner stomping out cigarettes like they were fires
the daughter of a thousand men
you've got your mothers eyes and whorish skin
you're a train wreck
but that's entertainment" 

As of today I am done. Done with people. Done with everyone who I once cared for. Done with love. Done with everything. 

I've felt all of this inside me for the last 4-5 weeks, depression, anxiety, stress, i've just tried to hide it. Til' I got home from Sydney. 
It was around then that it all started to crumble, my mind just doesn't feel right, my vision started to go, the weird twitch in my left eye started, the crying started and hasn't stopped. How do you explain something that doesn't make sense to anyone? When I say  my head is wrong, I mean it. My head doesn't feel right, like some essential piece is missing and I can't just pick it up and stick it back in. Or like there is an off and on switch and i'm constantly turned to off. How do you fix something you can't even explain to people? 

Today is/ was breaking point. Being awoken at 5am to one of the kittens getting attacked by a dog on our front porch isn't my idea of a great morning. It's fucking Sunday, my day to sleep in till at least 7:30am. The poor little guy was attacked so badly that he had to be put to sleep a few hours later. (RIP little, little boy, you will be missed by all of us). Don't get me wrong, these kittens don't belong to me, they are the neighbours but they never gave a shit about them so they decided we were a much better family to live with. 
Than about the time I should of being waking, I pretty much got told by someone who I actually like that they don't believe anything will ever work out or happen. Thanx, story of my life. 
Than the other 3 kittens got taken to the RSPCA, I know they had to go eventually but I became so attached to them. I'd wake up and they'd be the reason I'd smile. 
The whole day has just really upset everyone and arguments have arisen. I just feel really targeted. Feeling the way I've being feeling I don't need it. 

So why am I done with people if it's the kittens going that have left me upset? The people who I once considered friends don't seem to care at all when I try to arrange to do something, they don't care when I want someone to talk too, truthfully I don't even think they consider me a friend. 
Two people in particular have hurt me most, one of which I sent a text which read "Can I talk to you? I really need someone right now!" (or something very similar), no reply. I also sent this person a email a few weeks ago saying how i felt, once again, no reply. Cool, Great, if you don't care at all, than I don't care at all either. 
2nd person, Honey, Baby, Sexy, Sweetie (the only person who I'll probably ever call those corny names too) just disappoints me over and over again. They say the small amount of pleasure is worth all the pain... It sure is true. All those times the stupid arguments arise, the weeks of not talking (it's 2 weeks today, I miss you terribly), the not having any clue where I stand, it seems to all disappear the moment we are hugging, or when we kiss. I can't do it anymore. I can't keep putting myself out there for you only to hurt me again. 

I'm sure it's easier to only have myself, no one else.  




"everything i crave is going to kill me don't want to be sick depression just seems to stick"
I've listened to the bronx far too much lately, although I don't think there is ever "far too much" of the bronx.

*I refuse to use the name of this person in any of my journal entries.


Sometimes I know I say the wrong things to the wrong people. Then those very people take it all the wrong way and decide my opinion or what i've done is "wrong". It's never like that with you*...  You seem to care, You seem to understand me (or at least want too), You make me smile when I fee like I haven't smiled in forever. My mind is all confused by you though, I want to let go and just experience this but I'm scared it'll all disappear or i'll wake up and it will have being a dream.

I want to make you happy.

"The beginning is beautiful, the end is beautiful, the middle is nothing".

Why is it that the weirdest things make me incredibly happy? 
Last night for example I got told something that I really didn't need to know but it made me laugh and smile, I wanted to hug the person who told me but thats impossible at this current point in time.  It's so hard, yet I like the fact that it's made me happy. 

Work is getting so repetitive, I think I'd like my job if it wasn't the same thing everyday. I just get frustrated with the same thing everyday, the same orders, the same people, the same activities. I want something different. Yet I don't know what I want. 

I'm meant to be going to my tattooist tomorrow to see if my despair faction sketch is done, I really hope it is and that I can get it done next Wednesday. I REALLY want it to be done before I go back to Sydney. 










"Yes I did. Long before I met you honey"

I never want to erase you!

I got this done many weeks ago and haven't really taken any photos so here it is. 

Last night was amazing. Coheed and Cambria exceeded all my expectations. 

"Welcome Home" was played and I just about died! 

(My only whinge, "Wake Up" wasn't played, I knew it wouldn't get played though).